heyfreemagic | [OPEN] Some house apes don't domesticate well

[Casey just wanted everything to be...no big deal again.

He'd been cooped up in the apartment too long, with himself and an overflow of energy and a lot of bad thoughts. Greg had come back from the dead and everything was good. Wash had come back from his home (or...wherever) and everything was cool, right? They were basically playing on God Mode now. Yeah, it freaked his friends out at first, but it ought to make them all feel invincible now.

Why didn't it?

Why couldn't he even figure out if it made himself feel invincible?

The question had left him completely restless. He hadn't slept well the night Greg came back, and there was only one cure for it: patrol.

Well, OK, more like looking for a fight. It's just how he unwinds when he's stressed.

He'd mastered the art of climbing out the window in the middle of the night, though he hasn't absolutely nailed down yet if the people he's living with hear him every single time he does. Maybe after he does it five nights in a row...

The thick air, the sounds heightened by silence, the heavy black of the night promising action and danger and the excitement he lived for. He could spend it skating from roof to roof, hunting Nox, seeking out his fellow night owls for whatever adventure they find after all decent people have gone to bed.

He's got his padding and his mask and a head full of steam. Let's see what's goin' down...]

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[Casey shrugs, uncomfortable. He has no idea what Wash means by that. He doesn't know how to talk about it. He doesn't know how to say he doesn't know how to talk about it. He doesn't know how to cope beyond moving forwards and working off the bad energy by cracking monster skulls.]

It's just...I never needed to...I can deal, but...

[Can't even start the sentence. What he'd give for a monster to come charging through that window right now, which was generally what ended every Important Talk he'd ever had.]

[This is the hard part. Putting exhaustion into words; feeling around the broken parts and trying to describe them to someone else; fighting embarrassment and shame, because you should be fine, everything should be fine, and talking about it is admitting that no, nothing is even close to fine.]

[Asking for help should never be this difficult, but it always is.]

[He puts a hand on Casey's shoulder and waits. He'll be here for as long as Casey needs.]

[Physically, Casey's exhausted, but his emotions and thoughts are racing out of control. The hand on his shoulder is grounding in the same way it's kind of terrifying: He really is going to have to talk about it, isn't he?]

It's just that...back home, I started doin' this to protect my family and friends, right? And I was good at it too. But...

[Still time for that monster.]

When Greg died it was like...I kept thinkin' I shoulda been out there to jump in, ya'know? Like if I'd been on patrol, I coulda done somethin'.

[This. This was always a tough thing to face, and it didn't always work.]

You're not going to like this, but...sometimes there isn't anything you can do. Sometimes these things happen, regardless of whether or not you could have affected the situation, and it- sucks.

Thinking you could have done something is hard; accepting that it was out of your control is even harder.

[He'd learned that one the hard way. Recovery, as it turned out, had been a terrible career option.]

Is this the first time you've lost someone?

...Nah, my mom. When I was eight.

[Casey has talked about this with maybe two people in his life. But that doesn't really apply here, right? You can't beat cancer up with a hockey stick, even if he had been doing it when he was that young.]

...I know that you can't control everything but...not about this, ya'know. Not about someone like Greg. Even when everything was at it's worst, me and the guys could always pull out a win. If I'd been there...Or if I'd gone after Peridot or somethin'...

[That...actually explained some things. This was probably the first time Casey had lost someone when he felt he could do something about it, though.]

[His tone is still gentle when he speaks.]

You're not at home, Casey. The usual rules don't apply.

From what I know, Greg was with Rose when- [He died.] -it happened. Why would any of us have a reason to think he was in danger when she was with him? Are you going to shadow them on all their dates now, like a chaperon?

Just because you're capable of doing something doesn't make every situation your responsibility. Or your fault.

Yeah, well...

[It's not like he can deny what Wash is saying: he isn't home. And if the Turtles and April were here, things probably would've gone different.

Different how, he can't exactly say, but he's sure of it. Either way...it makes him homesick.]

I can't just sit around either. I just...dunno what else to do but fight.

Pick your battles.

The hardest part of this is really knowing what you can and can't do. Waiting for that to sink in is... [He trails off, shaking his head.]

A lot of my friends died when I wasn't there to help them. Knowing - logically - that there was nothing I could have done didn't really mean anything when there was still that little voice saying I should have been there. It- takes a while for that voice to go away. The best you can do for now is get some rest. Don't let the guilt run you ragged.

[Much, much easier said than done. Still, it's obvious he's speaking from experience, and lots of it.]

[Casey swings his head around to look at Wash. Sometimes he just says stuff that...well, he claps his hand on Wash's arm and squeezes a little.]

That's jacked up, man.

[He's silent for a moment, trying to wrap his head around his own emotions, fighting the headache he's developing. The idea kind of catches in his head. He's always picked the winning battles before, and he doesn't know how to do it any differently.]

...I'll try, OK? I can try.

That's war.

[Except it wasn't; the war had been over at that point. That was backstabbing and manipulation and betrayal and-]

[And not the issue at hand. He takes a moment, takes a breath, and refocuses.]

Okay.

[OPEN] Some house apes don't domesticate well

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